Project Cafe logo-type-thingy

The next generation of gaming was on its way... and it had that new era smell.

Previously on Project Café...

Rumors about the successor to the Wii had popped up again after a report from Game Informer! Following the initial claim, many rumors surfaced, the most notable ones being that the console would feature full 1080p HD graphics and a controller with a screen in the middle of it! However, unlike earlier rumors, it was actually confirmed by Nintendo in a press release that their new console would be coming out next year and that it would be unveiled and playable at E3 2011! So, all eyes turned for June 7th, the day Project Café would be shown to the world...

J. Severe presents
A Random-Ness 2 Production
The Wii U!

The Coming of the Three EsEdit

E3 logo

Every year gamers around the world gather around to watch this event of epic proportions with much excitement, and this year was no exception.

Just like it did last year... and the year before that... and the year before that... and the year before THAT, the Electronic Entertainment Expo returned to Los Angeles! All the big gaming companies held press conferences here, and smaller ones even had booths outside the theater for visitors to come and try out their games firsthand. But no conferences were as highly anticipated as those for the Big Three (Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo). Sony and Microsoft had already had their conferences the previous day, with Microsoft's focusing manly on titles for their Kinect peripheral for the Xbox 360, and Sony's for PlayStation 3, 3D, and PlayStation Vita (the official name for the NGP, which drew much criticism from online dwellers). It was Nintendo's turn.

It was 9 AM... PST, that is! (That would be noon for you EST folk.) And Nintendo opened up with a bang. They had legendary game developer Shigeru Miyamoto conduct a band playing tunes from The Legend of Zelda series (that alone made it the best conference. :P ), and afterward, teased the fact that they were going to unveil their console later. And then they went into showing trailers for some cool new first-party 3DS games (and they announced Luigi's Mansion 2, which, by the way, is the sequel to an awesome GameCube launch title). Then after that, they finally got to the juice! After a windy speech by Iwata about different types of gamers, they showed the thing, and it was hardly what anyone expected.

"Our New Console is... Wii U."Edit

Wii U logo

Coming out of nowhere to a living room near you!

Many a mouth was left wide open. Out of all the epic names that could've been used... Nintendo Stream, Nintendo Feel, even the Wii's old name, Revolution, something like "Wii U" was chosen. Nintendo was tackin' on to the name many knew... and that a chunk of hardcore gamers had come to hate with a passion. A firey passion that crackled with much smoke and couldn't be quenched with idle liquid, and so had to be brought to a large body of water and dipped in, washed thoroughly, and even then was still pretty hot, so...

Anyway, they were tacking on to the name Wii, which many a hardcore hated, so if Nintendo wanted to win them back, well... that might not be the best decision. And they added the "U" as well. So we had "Wii U." "U" meaning to point out that this system was for "u"! Which kinda contradicts the whole "Wii-we" thing. Something that is meant for all is exclusively yours. Irony at its best. Actually, this makes me think that the naming guy just named it that because he was uncreative and knew his employers would suck it up. And we all know how that went: it was successful as heck!

After the initial shock of the name, more was to come.

It Only Has an Awesome New ControllerEdit


And what we thought could be this...

Wii U controller

... actually turned out to be this!

And in the accompaning trailer, we got a taste of the new controller! However, that was, uh, all we got to see. Now this controller was a square tablet-like thing, which had foreseen before. (Curse you, Oh-one-dot-net!...) It had two circle pads (yes, circle pads a la 3DS, not actual analog sticks), the regular D-pad with is the norm for every gaming device out there, "A, B, X, Y" buttons, and a big ol' touchscreen in the middle with could be operated with a stylus, and some shoulder buttons. Plus, it was pretty darn shiny.

But don't think that this controller was basically a one-screened DS now, it wasn't. You could put your finger on it, and flick something across on its screen, like multi-touch. However, perhaps the most interesting thing about the controller was that... wait for it, it could stream stuff from your TV! So imagine you were playing Mario, and your annoying brother wanted to watch Nick Jr. or whatever little kids watch these days. You could just play the game on your little screen while the bro got lost in an episode of Little Bear! It was that easy! Don't think the controller in itself is a portable gaming device, though, it still has to be in range of the console.

Speaking of which, with all the focus being on the controller, some thought the controller WAS the console. Smarter viewers had to point out the Wii U console next to the TV, all out of focus, to the dumber ones. Also, yes, the console DOES have HD, but the video on the controller was SD (still in high quality however). Don't you think if Nintendo had a controller with HD streaming, buying separates ones on the market would be majorly expensive?

What's That in the Background? It's a Clock, it's a Coaster! No, It's the Console!Edit

Leaked Wii HD image 3

And what we thought was this hunk of junk...

Wii U console

... was actually this cool lookin' system!

At a conference about the Wii U, one of the things that was least noticed was the Wii U! That is, the Wii U console, the thing where you pop the disc in. The thing that you turn on to begin the magic. The thing that held the info streaming to your controller. The thing of which oozed great noise when you had it working too much! And the thing that broke down when you were too much into your Call of Duty to notice that it was Friday, July 2nd when you began playing on Tuesday, March 8.

However, this thing is bulkier than it looks. It is MUCH, MUCH bigger than the Wii, huge actually, more Xbox 360 size. That's because it's got a lot of power underneath that hood of its, and if you were to open up said hood, a big heapin' pile of smoke would come out hotter than the hate of hardcore gamers towards the name "Wii"! No doubt the thing will be smaller and slimmer by the time it hits retailers, but powerful things are giant. Which is exactly the reason why should robots enslave mankind, their leader will be a robot as tall as heck and bulky as Uncle Gerald at Thanksgiving.

Ugh, I can't live down what happened back at Thanksgiving dinner in 2008. That was just too gruesome... The turkey... the poor turkey... *shivers* Oh noes... *crawls into a corner*

"Good Third-Party Games on a Nintendo System?!"Edit

250px|thumb|right|This... just... just so much this!

One of the reasons that the hardcore criticized the Wii was because it... well, didn't have as good graphics as the PlayStation 3 or Xbox 360, which were HD, but the Wii was not! Well, now the problem is fixed, the Wii U has graphics better than those two and then some! And believe it or not, some development companies made games for the HD duo but not the Wii because it couldn't handle the game! The Wii U could, so now it was catchin' up time.

Companies are portin' games to the Wii U like there's no tomorrow, and Nintendo fans are rejoicing! Those who are only able to afford Nintendo consoles finally get some the stuff the PS3 and the 360 are getting, improved! And as the HD duo's years go on, and they get awesome HD games, the Wii U will be right there beside them, getting those same games, and Nintendo lovers will be able to walk valiantly in the gaming world, saying "I have Assassins Creed on a Nintendo console!" or "Hey, wanna play some Modern Warfare online on the Wii U?" And all will be good. All will be very good.

... and so Nintendo was never behind in graphics again... until the PlayStation 4 and Xbox 720 came out. /shot Erm... disregard that last sentence.

Final WordsEdit

What's more to say? Nintendo has a great conference where they unveiled a console with a lot of new possibilities. It opens up new doors for development teams, and owners get the awesome HD games that Wii owners missed out on the past generation. Nothing but good can come from it. Good, and epicness. And maybe some epic sauce to make the epicness more epic...y.

So that's it. The rumors have been confirmed, and we all eagerly await the next phase of the Wii U's life. Case closed. Oh wait, gonna lock it first. Hmm... Hmm... That's weird, I seemed to have misplaced my key. Hold on, this may take a while...



Ah, here it is! Okay, let me put this in... Hmph! I locked the case! So now the case is OFFICIALLY closed! Well, see ya later...

Oh wait... Drat, I left my wallet in the case! I better go get it... Huh? What are you still doing? Go read something else. Ain't nothin' fascinatin' about a man gettin' his wallet. * mutters * Darned filmers...

Okay, here's is my wallet! I will lock the case now, a-- Are you still here? I told you to get out, bub! Are you deaf?! ... Oh wait, you are? Ah, gee, sorry, I didn't know that! H-heh, if I knew you were, I never would've... uh... *runs for the door but crashes into the wall* Ah, geez! Danged plaster! *opens door* Okay, now the case and soon, the door, are closed. You have no further business here. Get out. Oh wait, you're deaf, right.

Huh? You're not? You lied to me?! Why I oughta...?! Ugh... I put myself through too much. They don't pay me enough for this... *closes door and locks it*


_*opens door* Y'know, maybe I should take my case with me. *takes case and leaves room*


Coming Soon...Edit

From the guys who brought you Project Café and Project Café 2: The Wii U comes a grand new epic!

Kid: *GASP!*

One more darker and larger than any other!

Scene of people running around as the town falls in flame behind them.

One where a hero must rise up and save the world from utmost destruction!

Silhouette of a person rises up from bottom of screen.


Coming to a theater near you!

℗ 2011, Random-Ness Pictures


... and yes, that's a "P" symbol. We like toying with your mind.

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